so craigslist just dropped their "erotic services" ads. there goes our livelyhood
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Randomize
