Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
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