I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
