it seems that i get a boner from just about everything now
i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
Randomize
