I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
You should have hard cock pics on hand to send in the situation that you can't stop driving, pull out your cock, browse the countless pics I've sent you of my tits, get him hard and text a pic through. I mean, it's simple sexting ettiquette.
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
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