i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
and next time when you feel me up, do it right
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
