She went from zero to smokin in five shots
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
Shit stained towel. The very symbol of how much closer we are as friends. Fall 011... beautiful disaster
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
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