Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
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