I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Randomize
