Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
He had some BAD nuttage
Nuttage?
It's like cleavage......... but different
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Randomize
