hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
Randomize
