i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
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