Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
Found your dick twin last night
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
Randomize
