He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
I just googled "semen solvent" and got nothing. there has to be something that will wash this shit off!
I see a marketing opportunity
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
Randomize
