who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
Just curious... Do you still have the cocks bracelet? You know, the one we pass around to whoevers been the biggest slut recently?
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
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