last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
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