I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
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