I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
me and ur bf were arguing about whether coke was vegan. i really hope it's vegan
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
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