MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
Randomize
