I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Randomize
