i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
Randomize
