Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
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