I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
whose ass print is on the piano?
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
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