i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
remind me not buy ky at kmart ever again. Had to get a manager to open the locked case. then he stood there and watched me look through the selection
I hate that ur telling me this.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Randomize
