Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
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