I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
we were so desperate we resorted to lego blocks. nuff said.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize
