you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
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