I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
I need a full description of the guy I hooked up with. I don't think I ever saw his face
he seemed brazillian..
fuck.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
Randomize
