he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
would you consider dating someone with braces an investment?
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
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