He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
