I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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