trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
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