I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
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