We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
do u usually make out with people before telling them your name???
Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
She actually asked me 'is it in yet?' I deleted the vid.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Randomize
