Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
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