The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
Randomize
