I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
better to have posed nude and lost than to never have posed nude at all...thats what i always say
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
Randomize
