I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
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