i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
We have to have sex twice when i get back. I miss you sex, and thank god the nhl lockout is over sex. I will happily let you wear your sharks jersey during it and i will wear my ducks jersey, and it will be mad rivalry sex.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
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