hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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