In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize
