Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
Someone stole a lamp last night.
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Randomize
