Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
Randomize
