1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
Randomize
