I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Randomize
