So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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