think what you will about my sexuality, just get the cigarettes
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Randomize
