I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
can we get together and have a vodka water gun fight? i need to get som intense excersise/alcohol
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
