Im at strip club and am horny
tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
Randomize
