if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
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