Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
stupid gm bankruptcy made me miss the showcase showdown
Those cock suckers. We need to know who's winning the hot tub and the vacation to the alps
So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Randomize
